EXTRUDES STARTLING NEW MANDATORY 2001 LEGISLATION.
by Steven Schultz
his first successful act in office, President Bush announced today a startling
new legislation aimed at rejuvenating the nations ailing dot-economy.
Speaking from the rostrum of the White House Room, flanked by tittering aides,
he said, As usual, 8 years of Democratic tax-and-spend misrule has turned
our once vibrant economy into a socialist shamble. Shambles. More than one shamble
there. Hi-tech stocks, once the envy of lesser countries, are in a continuing
free-fall and venture capital is withdrawing from start-ups like an armadillo
from a ten-gallon hat, which we have in Texas. While it would be easy to attribute
this recession to the stupidity of greedy investors, its even easier to
attribute the whole dang thing to Democracy. I mean Democrats. But in the grand
tradition of Republicanism, I have come up with a compassionate, sweepingly
visionlike plan to restore this country to economic robust...ness..licity.
When questioned about the plan by some guys, Bush pulled down a wall-sized chart and lurched into additional oratory: As you can see, high-tech businesses became much and much profitable in the 90s, culminating in record profits both for internet stocks and for the NASDAQ as a whole in the year 2000, and weve been going downhill ever since. Now look at this other graph, which I reckon we can, uh, also call it a graph. This other graph here shows the incidence of products with 2000 in their names. At the same time that American stocks are peaking, we note extreme spikery in the 2000-name graph. KABOOM!! I mean, thats one heck of a spike there. You got Compuserve 2000, Office 2000, of course Windows 2000, Voodo3-2000, Polaroid VDC-2000, Summer Olympics 2000, ThugJam2000, Pokemon 2000, Infomart 2000, Navajo 2000, CommerceNet 2000, Pony Express 2000, Poland 2000, and of course all the so-called Y2K products. I would like to point out right here that all these products were made right here in the USA!! See, Americans are quick to recognize a breakthrough when we see it: adding 2000 to a products name actually makes that product much more technological and futuristic, and without the unions getting involved, without the third-world ladies going blind assembling circuits, without polluting the environment. Which I care about. It wasnt until late August that other countries started even trying to play catch-up, but putting silver spray paint on a candy and calling it Halvah 2000 isnt going to fool anyone, with all due respect to Mr. Ehud and his Mossad minions. What I am proposing is nothing less than a total re-vamping of the American economy to shake off these Democratic doldrums for once and for all! Since adding 2000 to last years product names was so successful, adding 2001 to all products manufactured this year will be even more so!! The President added,Heck, if you think Census 2000 was a success... wait till you see the new fururistical Census 2001!"
The controversial new Mandatory 2001 Legislation would virtually require every product manufactured this year to add 2001 to its name. Critics, especially the Libertarian William F. Buckley, were quick to point out the socialist nature of the legislation: How can the Republicans claim to be the party of business and smaller government when theyre taking away the first-amendment rights of businesses? Thats what they do in Sweden!! But Bush was undeterred: This so-called Socialist Agenda of mine is pure hogwash. What were doing here is helping businesses make more money. To get back on top of the global economy, we need to have even more futuristic-sounding dates than competing countries. At this very moment, Japan is working on the Hibachi 2004! And its scheduled for release in 2003!! Its the businessmen who short-sightednestically refuse to modernize their products through techno-nameage that are helping Socialism by sabotaging our economy, and these varmints must be exposed to punishment!!
Congressman Barney Frank, or Senator or something, decried the new legislation as Probably homophobic and intolerant, somehow! Not what America stands for, and clearly an unconstitutional power grab on the part of a corrupted Executive Branch!! However, after consulting the new Constitution 2001 Frank later admitted, I guess the President can do that now.
So far, the only victim of the new legislation was film-maker Wes Craven, whose epic Dracula 2000 wasnt released until 2001. Speaking from his isolation unit at Corcoran State Penitentiary, the director mewled that he really, really, wanted to finish it last year. Plans for Leprechaun 2000 have reportedly been scrapped.
Meanwhile, other businessmen have been enthusiastically lining up at USDFN2001 (United States Department of Fiduciary Nomenclature, 2001) offices to obey, obey, obey!! Stuart Huuh, CEO of MicroMediaScatonics2001 Incorporated, said, Well, now Im laughing at my friends who said Bush was dumb! Thanks to this legislation, Im going to be able to make my product, whatever that might be, exactly one year more technological with no capital outlay! (Ive already laid off my whole R&D staff) And I expect to double our profits as a result. . . I mean, gushed Huuh, Look how many products Microsoft had named 2000. Its obviously the key to their success, and now that the Feds have broken their monopoly, Im getting a piece of that.
Speaking through an increasingly bizarre series of minions, Bill Gates said, At last the conspiracy has been revealed. This entire anti-trust suit has been exposed by the culprits themselves as bogusit was just an excuse to allow our competitors to steal our most brilliant innovationfuturistic-sounding dates!! The minions began weeping and left the shack.
Consumers have yet to reach a consensus about the success or failure of the legislation. Ricky Kwanzaa just threw out his Allright, I guess, mouse pad and was unpacking his Totally crazy, innovative Mouse pad 2001. But Kwanzaa also opined that Who needs Weeble 2001? And Physical Graffiti 2001 doesnt even have any new songs... its not even remixed. They just put a sticker on it saying, like, 2001. I at least expected some jungle beats or some shit. . . .dude, Ive lost faith in the Zep. In addition to the Zep, sales of Nachos 2001 and Mothers Old Fashioned Cookies 2001 are not trending upwards. At all. Abdullah Vasquez, founder of the non-profit, internet-based Pan-Islamic Research Council, adjusted his Speedo mournfully as he announced, This whole Koran-2001 thing just isnt selling like we thought. Weve tried spamming the Ayatollah, Osama Bin Laden, and even The Motherfucking Sultan but I guess they dont check their email. . . I dont think weve had more than three hits, and two of those were Unitarians. On the bright side, sales of Heroin 2001 remain pretty damn constant.
Heidi Huang, manager of San Louis Obispo Blockbuster 2001, reports that A lot of the customers are having trouble telling Highlander 2001:2 from Highlander 2: 2001. And, basically, the same situation with, like, Childs Play 2:2001 and especially 2001:2001. Even the clerks are ringing that one in wrong. Were trying to get a new button put on the thing. One part of the private sector thats already showing record profits is the ASCII business. ASCII chairman Peter Schoolwerth spoke with us from under an ominous cowl: Sure, every business in America is suddenly needing way more twos, ones, and especially zeroes. Not only for their own products but for invoices when they deal with other companies. And China seems to be buying several billion of each integer just to be on the safe side. We dont ask why. We cant.
Only time will tell whether this bold, visionary new legislation, somehow passed without consulting or even talking to Congress, will succeed in resuscitating the American economy. A senior analyst at Paine Webber could also tell us, but she stopped returning our calls since the breakup.
|George Bush announces his new Mandatory 2001 Legislation by sending congress a sybolically oversized can of Van Camp's Furturistic Pork and Beans 2001|
"...note extreme spikery in the 2000-name graph.
KABOOM!! I mean, thats one heck of a spike there."
"Probably homophobic and intolerant, somehow! Not what America stands for..."
Congressman Barney Frank Refering to the Mandatory 2001 Legislation
"Physical Graffiti 2001 doesnt even have any new songs.... its not even remixed..."
Ricky Kwanzaa expresses his disappointment with the Physical Grafitti 2001 and Led Zeppelin 2 : 2001 albums
Pctyrant, the only online pc magazine that matters...period!
"Pctyrant is the only source for honest, pull-no-punches information on PC's and the PC industry.Our mission is simple...to provide the serious pc user with the truth."
© 2001 Pctyrant.com