Full Action Gaming Suit by John Crowhurst
The Full Action Gaming Suit, by Super Action Fantasy Enterprises, is the greatest gaming invention since pong. This suit will revolutionize modern gaming. Even though it is in its infant stage, all the major gaming companies are chomping at the bit to create new and inventive games that can utilize the potentials of this awesome controller. Not only that, it is pretty stylish. I don't know if I'd go out for dinner in it, but I digress.

What is it made of? The FAGS is an ultra light body suit that fits snuggly to the body and is made of a super powerful wire mesh called, (WIPS)®, Wildly Intense Pleasure Substance, that can apply pressure to a pinpoint area when programmed to do so. The FAGS helmet actually has very thin prongs that insert into five areas of the brain: the Superior (cranial) colliculus, Tributary of thalamostriate vein, the Hypothalamus, Tuber of vermis, and the Lateral venous lacunae. (NOTE: I know what you are thinking…NO WAY! NOT ME! I'M INTO GAMES, BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH! I'M NOT STICKING NEEDLES INTO CRAP I CAN'T PRONOUNCE! Believe me, it is not that bad. When you put on the helmet you feel only a slight pricking sensation. Anyway, you're not a wimp are you?)

How does it work? With the FAGS helmet connected to your central nervous system you feel every sensation. By plugging in the FAGS adapter, a midi cable from the helmet that can connect to the serial port of a PC, your body has the ability to react to any simulated resistance. If you are playing Doom, Oni, Quake, Unreal Tournament, or even John Madden Football 2001, you feel the punch, the bullets, the sword slices, the blast of an explosion, the odd kick or gouge, etc. With the FAGS helmet you can see in different visual spectrums, get natural surround sound, and full facial sensations.

Safety? CEO of S.A.F.E, Eric Levin, and creator of FAGS, describes some of the safety features. "Built into the suit are four buttons that can trigger the 'Operation Halt! Subject Hideously In Trouble'(OHSHiT) mode. This will pause the game and allow the player to back-up his game and take a breather."

Are you sold on this yet? If not, let me tell you some of the other benefits that have being discovered using this suit. The Doctors at St. Peter's of the Shipwreck have been doing experimental treatments with the FAGS. DR. Pierre Footecrame delightfully told me that, "I was totally amazed at how well my patients were reacting to the FAGS controller! In the physical therapy center we were at our wits end trying to rehabilitate folks suffering from paralysis. But, after using the FAGS on a couple of patients, the marked increase of physical sensation was incredible. My patients were able to simulate walking, climbing, running, and kick boxing ogres. Even though the FAGS was doing the majority of the physical work, my patients were able to feel the sensations to limbs they thought were permanently dead."

Unfortunately, some doctors were not impressed with FAGS. Dr. Birmingham Titleist, from the Stanford University Medical Center, believes that, "This is just a bunch of nonsense. Anyone using a video game to treat patients is a damn idiot! I should know. I work in Silicon Valley!" And Dr. Agamemnon Fubar from Denver's Children's Hospital firmly believes, "This is a very powerful and dangerous device and should not be used by children! We must think of the welfare of children!"

Dr. Ular Slrich from Nashville Community Hospital has seen many patients with injuries from using the FAGS. "I've had so many patients come in with everything from your basic bruises, black-eyes, and sprains to broken bones and temporary paralysis. The FAGS is a menace to society."

Mr. Levin has a thing or two to say to his detractors. "What a bunch of PUSSIES! Tough it up and take it like a man!"

The controversy doesn't just stop with the medical community. Mr. Levin has been getting death threats from the fanatical Christian groups, Christ Or Die and Christians Against Technology. Rev. William Hoz of the C.O.D. believes that FAGS is only useful for immoral and extremely sinful activities. "While I was looking for sinners on the fourth floor of the Power Exchange in San Francisco, I noticed hundreds of perverted heathens writhing in pure ecstasy in that demon outfit (FAGS). They're all going to hell and so will you if you use that suit!"

Rev. M. B. Richmond of Christians Against Technology firmly believes FAGS is so unnatural that by even thinking of wearing the outfit will reserve you a one-way ticket down to the abyss. "Pure and utter evil. That vile garment was made by the horned one himself! People beware! There is still time to repent!"

Mr. Levin's only response to the reverends, "Fuck 'em! I'm a Buddhist. The FAGS is a blast."

Very rarely does the gamming industry come across such a truly unique and original tool. This will make the Sony PS2, Microsoft's X box, and Nintendo's 64 game console look like Pong in the near future.

I'd give it Six Bloody Swords, but rankings only go to five... Besides, a couple years down the road something bigger, better, faster, and cooler will come out making this totally cheesy, and I don't want to look like a complete dufus for going crazy over it. Five Bloody Swords will do!

Cost: $499 + $29 a month for accidental life insurance. Well worth it!!!

Full Action Gaming Suit (FAGS)
COMPANY
- Super Action Fantasy Enterprises
PRICE
- 499.99 + 29.99 Month Maintanence
Features:

Full body stimulation.
Realistic game play.
Better than life experiences.
Custom fit.
Relatively low price.
Hits major pressure points.
Many applications.

RATING
-5 Bloody Swords

With the FAGS helmet you can see in different visual spectrums, get natural surround sound, and full facial sensations.
Some find the game suit so addicting that they continue to play even when medical attention should be sought.

Uses: Gaming
Know what it feels like to play sports against the greats
Do moves and feel the effects that you never could in real life
Physically fight in the greatest battles of all time.
Ride motorcycles, ride skateboards, Fall thousands of feet and don't get killed.
Military
Simulate war like conditions to help toughen up soldiers.
Medical
Let those who can't walk, walk.
Stimulate the nervous system so those who are paralyzed can experience physical sensations
Torture

Chief tool of many corporations and countries to inflict pain on its spies and conspirators
S&M
A new tool for the adventurous to fulfill their fantasies.

What it all means...The Pctyrant Bloody Sword Rating System

  = Don't even put it on your computer or waste your time

  = Play it on a friends computer...don't load it on yours

  = Wait for a friend to buy it then burn a copy for yourself

  = Definetely buy it but wait for a good sale

  = Get it NOW, pay full price

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