Faster Peripherals Standard Makes USB Look Like "A Flatulent Camel on Heroin."
by Dan Shick

AUCKLAND, NZ -- In a move that is rocking the world of computer standards, Bepser-Stanchion Enterprises this week unveiled their new, faster peripherals standard which they say makes USB look like "a flatulent camel on heroin." Their system, which they are calling USD (Ubiquitous Salience Delivery), is lightning fast but significantly more expensive to produce than USB, because its connecting cables, the core of the supposedly much faster standard, are made out of United States paper currency.

"I'm so excited about USD I think I'm wetting myself," raves Marcus Sweetser, CEO of Bepser-Stanchion. "Why someone didn't think of this before can only be explained by our team of assiduous and highly-paid lawyers. Using our currency as the basis for a faster hardware standard is shockingly profitable."

USD depends on cables (no less than six feet in length) made of seven strands of copper wire (five, around two, wrapped by one) which are sheathed in hundred-dollar bills for insulation. This format, called "100 BaseFee," moves data about thirteen times faster than USB and shares its cheaper cousin's advantage of not using up an IRQ for every device. "You can string together as many as, um, 1000 devices on one chain," ejaculates Morris Toomer, head of R&D at Bepser-Stanchion. "Of course, for that many devices you need our premium product, Bigabit USD, or 'Biggy' as we call it toward the end of the evening down at the bar."

Users can buy premade USD hardware at $150 per bill ($1,500 for 'Biggy'), or they can use their own currency and save 10% for each of their own bills used. Bobby Duck, Bepser-Stanchion's CTO, belches, "Users who invest in the new system feel a swell of pride that they are helping build their own system -- while *saving money*!" Even the software industry has shown its support of USD. "At last a hardware standard that makes sense," quipped Bill Gates, a programmer at Microsoft.

But some worry that with its USD, Bepser-Stanchion has unleashed a blood-drenched, howling incubus from the nether regions, bent on carnage. "I've heard stories," lies Abdel Mesopotamihead, "about Bepser-Stanchion's connection with Dudley Moore." Mesopotamihead, a man who introduced himself into our offices in a way that still baffles building security, has no known forwarding address and was trailing strips of his own flesh (presumably) along our newly-carpeted floors when he was discovered recording his "interview" in two different voices onto a reporter's tape machine.

Even aside from idle speculation, some wonder if the still-increasing trend to Do It Yourself (DIY) might bring about the demise of USD. Linux user Cholmondeley Grosvenor: "I found that with a little tweaking, you can get one dollar bills to carry as much as twice the data. Plus they're a lot cheaper." Silenced bullets from beyond our office windows slew Grosvenor moments later, and a black helicopter was seen speeding away from the scene. Investigators revealed that several fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches were found discarded nearby. Bepser-Stanchion could not be reached for comment but were heard to be giggling uncontrollably behind their office doors.

Schick Internet Razor Released

Stories by Rachel Bondi

The internet razor is here, and we got our hands on it first. The new I-Shick 1.0 is a welcome alternative to standard shaving, wax and depilatories that miss stray hairs.

Just shave your legs with the I-Shick and it memorizes your follicle patters. Then connect the Razor through a USB port or infrared to your PC. A 3-D model of your leg is uploaded to your own personal website where you can view it and a number of other leg-hair statistics. If you missed any hair, you can clearly see it on the internet.

Version 2.0 of the I-Shick will include upgrades such as armpit, face, and pubic mapping. Investing in I-Shick 1.0 and registering allows you to download ongoing software updates for a subscription fee of $9.99 per month. Free shaving cream is a gift with initial sign up.

At $2,019.99 for the razor and connectors, the I-Shick seems a little steep initially, but very comparable to the cost of laser hair removal treatments, without all of the trouble of leaving the house.

Ronco's High Bandwidth
Wireless (HBW) Air Cleaner

Did you realize that at least 70% of the air you breathe today is filled with digital signals? If you live in a metropolitan area the figures can rise to 90%! These voice and data transmissions, often refered to as "digital dust ", may pose a risk to some individuals. Statistically it isn't disimilar to the risks associated with living next to a row of power lines.

Ronco " As Seen on TV " Inc. has been touting their new HBW ( High Bandwidth Wireless) Air Cleaner as the all in one solution to the growing "Digital Dust" problem. PCtyrant visited Ronco headquarters in Chatsworth, CA to see if it holds up to the relentless late night Informercial hype.

Raul Frank, Ronco's VP of Marketing spoke excitedly about Ronco's new direction, "The pollution of our airwaves is a serious matter to our customers. We considered the HBW a natural extension of our expertise gained with our original smokeless ashtray," said Raul Frank, Ronco's VP of Marketing. "Customers are thrilled with the prospects of cleaner air."

As early as the 1980's the U.S. government and FCC have been selling off bandwidth to cellular, microwave, satellite and other wireless applications providers. Originally bandwidth use was limited to harmless AM/FM and limited military use. Then it was extended to cordless phones. With the recent auctions, there is very little remaining bandwidth and precious little unused air.

The Ronco HBW is easy to use. Simply plug it in, turn it on, and it immediately starts capturing conversations and files being sent through the air. The captured "digital dust " particles are then converted to harmless analog dander. At the end of the month simply empty the filter into the garbage can.

At 3 payments of $19.99 the price isn't prohibitive. Only one suggestion to make: go portable! I want to breathe clean air in the gym and my office and stop all of those nasty transmissions from violating my space.

Microsoft Unveils New .NET Product

Recently Microsoft announced a bold move to shift from flat fee software purchase to subscription based ASP (Application Service Provider) based products under the Microsfoft.Net initiative. Today, in an equally shocking move, they unveiled plans to sell the actual implants that were previously only given to loyal employees. Industry insiders have long speculated on the exsistence of such a device and at least one anonymous Microsoft competitor was heard exclaiming "that bastard... I knew it." To facilitate their adoption, the implants are free if you purchase .NET software subscription services.

"This is exciting news for consumers," says Steve Ballmer, CEO and President of Microsoft. "The public will no longer have to worry about buying the latest and greatest because they'll know Microsoft has already provided it to them." The devices, once inserted into the frontal lobe, allow a direct link to Bill Gates and his leadership team at all times.

In order to skip past the competition which are pursuing the PDA market, the implants will substitute for any PC, entertainment, gaming or wireless device used for communicating or storing personal information. Security features include inability to think about Sun, UNIX, Oracle or NC alternatives as well as foreign property computing solutions.

Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems was quoted as saying, "I might get one myself to see what that bastard's thinking." Bill Raduchel, former CIO of Sun, current CTO of AOL, and Board Member of Open TV followed Scott's comments, "That bastard has beat us again, even in the entertainment space. There's no better game than the one we've been playing with Bill for 10 years. He's got us by the balls!"

Developers were pleased with the news. Because of the direct tap into Bill's brain, they can decrease wasted time on creating variations from what he might have wanted for the market.

The devices are easily injected through the left eyebrow and users will enjoy a 90 day trial period whereas Microsoft will provide free surgical removal for those users who are, according to Microsoft press releases, "to ignorant to realize the revolutionary and selfless nature of Microsoft's latest gift to human technological advancement"

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