Al Gore De-invents the Internet
"I Brought It Into This World, And I'll Take It Out."
Former Vice President Decides That "Enough Is Enough."

Story by Jonny Lieberman

In an incredibly unusual and uncharacteristic move earlier today, outgoing VP and former Presidential candidate Al Gore stated that he effectively "De-Invented the Internet." Announced at a press conference earlier today, the former Senator apparently tired of the chiding he has taken over the past few years as a result of his ridiculous but apparently true claim of "Inventing the Internet." That derision, plus the tremendous ego jolt he no doubt suffered by loosing in Florida to president elect George W. Bush was enough to push him over the edge. Late last night he decided to pull the plug on the whole thing. "I'm just sick of it all," Mr. Gore announced while slamming his fist into the podium he was standing before. "The American People are just a bunch of ungrateful nabobs. That's right I said nabobs, Agnew knew what was going on. Sianara Baby!" With that statement he walked up to an Ethernet cable plugged into a nearby wall, yanked it out, and unceremoniously turned the Internet off.

"It's all over," Mr. Gore proclaimed. "Enough is Enough! You are all spoiled rotten little children. How dare you insult me, the father and architect of Man's greatest triumph, the Internet. You idiots. If I can't be your president, then no more Internet! It's all gone. I guess Dubya was right after all, I never invented nothing." Following several boos from the crowd, Mr. Gore continued, "You better start tying string to cans. We're back in the Dark Ages folks. Hope you're happy."

Reaction around the country to Mr. Gore's actions earlier today has been mixed. In Silicon Valley, the hotbed and wellspring of the so-called "Internet Revolution," people are downtrodden. "This is like the crash of 1929," Pashe Gupta, a project manager at [NSDAQ -PSFF] reports. "I watched our CIO throw himself out of his office window. It was only a three foot drop onto our beautifully manicured lawn, but still, I just don't know." Bryan Patterson, a local caterer told a similar tale. "I was bringing in some catering to [NSDAQ - SPFF] and this guy comes running out and hands me the keys to his Audi. He kept saying, 'Take it, take it. I'll never make my payments now. Take it.' It was just weird."

In Missouri, a rally was held in celebration of both Mr. Gore's political loss and his unprecedented decision. People in the Show Me State have long felt left behind by Mr. Gore's epoch-making invention. "I'm all fer it." Cletidus Hunt said in a thick drawl, reflecting on the apparent death of the Internet. "You gotta understand our position. We came into this union as a slave state. We never wanted none of this Interent crap." When the idea of cyber slave auctions was brought up, Mr. Hunt appeared to think for a moment, and then continued, "Naw, a bunch of Jews would probably just wind up taking all our money from that anyway."

Reaction on Wall Street was also mixed. Investors from traditional markets almost seemed to be breathing a sigh of relief. "This just wipes the slate clean," said Hymie Bornkowitz, a junior analyst at JP Morgan. "Look, I went to school for seven years, actually six. I got expelled from Brown for a year for having alcohol in my room. That, and gross exploitation of a minor. It was cool though, I went to south-east Asia, and man, is that place crazy." After he was led back to discuss the end of the Internet, Mr. Bronkowitz continued, "So yeah, they don't teach you how to deal with stuff like [The Internet] in school. I mean [NSDAQ - GFPP] is worth eighty billion more than Ford! What the fuck is it that? And all these little shit trading companies like Datek and E-Trade trying to take our business away, now they are eating crow.I can't wait to go and dance on their graves. What were they thinking? Trying to compete with [JP Morgan], please. I'll crush them like a Cohiba."

Senior Analysts on Wall Street also seemed to breath a sigh of relief. "Thank God is all I have to say, Thank God." Says Harvey Mankowitz, Senior Analyst for Chase Manhattan Bank. "Walmart, McDonalds, General Motors, Big Manufacturing, Big Oil, these are the industries you want to sink your life savings, your kids future, and all that into. Not [NSDAQ - SKWW]. I couldn't be happier." Down the road a little way, however, young investors outside the Nasdaq building on Water St. were seen lighting themselves on fire.

"I think it's great!" Said Steve Herman, a tourist visiting Manhattan from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. "I mean I am pretty upset about the loss of the Internet, there goes my sex life, but you just never see mass suicide like this in Canada." After a minimal of prodding, Mr. Herman added, "Eh?" All around Battery Park, young urban professionals were pouring expensive bottles of Belvedere and Kettle One vodkas all over themselves. Then, almost seemingly in unison, Zippo cigar lighters were lit, thereby incinerating the annoying yuppies. Throngs of European and Japanese tourists clapped ecstatically as the burning, wealthy, young flaming people made their way frantically down to the shore in attempts to jump into the East River. Few made it. Those who did drowned soon after.

Engineers in Silicon Valley and elsewhere have been scrambling all day since Mr. Gore's announcement trying to figure out a way to "plug" the Internet back in. Largely they have come up empty handed. "I was able to send an email to a, uh, um, friend of mine." Said Terry Brooks, a network engineer for [NSDAQ - SDFF] and a recent Silicon Valley transplant. "But, as soon as I got a reply from my, uh, friend, it was all off again." Ms. Brooks went on to explain how she was able to temporarily rig up a point-to-point temporary IP patch for the Internet, but we told her to shut up.

"I propose the Ebernet." Declared Mr. Gore at another press conference forty yards from where at an earlier press conference he effectively de-invented the Internet as we know it. "The Ebernet is the future," proclaimed a surprisingly confident Gore. "If you thought my earlier invention, the Internet was hip and cool and the best thing since Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, just wait until you experience the Ebernet. You ain't seen nothing yet!" Grilled repeatedly by reporters on what exactly the Ebernet is and what it can do, Mr. Gore simply replied, "I haven't invented it yet. I just like the name." Another reported asked when we can expect to see this so-called Ebernet. "Around 2004 or so," Smirked Gore

Al Gore struggles with Wall Street investor Bret Williams as he attemps to take away his internet.

" We never wanted none of this Interent crap "

Cletidus Hunt when asked about Al gore taking away the internet

" I think it's great! just never see mass suicide like this in Canada."

Steve Herman,
Canadian tourist

"The Ebernet is the future..."

Al Gore at a press conference where he proposes his new replacement for the internet

Back to the Archive

Email The Tyrant

Pc tyrant, the only online pc magazine that matters...period!

"Pc tyrant is the only source for honest, pull-no-punches information on PC's and the PC industry.Our mission is provide the serious pc user with the truth."

© 2001